Blog #2: 999 Plan

999 Plan = 666 to the Economy

A flat tax, like the proposed 9-9-9 tax plan by Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain, is the most fair, organized, simple tax plan and I love it. But it will ruin America.

You cannot major in anything more boring than Accounting. I’d spend my tuition adding speed bumps to NASCAR tracks before I’d go to school to be an accountant.

Alas, accountants are necessary. Without them, the economy would fall and we’d all try writing blogs to make some spare change so we can play the McDonald’s Monopoly game – ironically a game about housing economics. Oh wait, that’s how this blog started.

The 9-9-9 Tax Plan is the main platform introduced for Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain. He has based his entire candidacy on this simple 9-9-9 plan, which would tax ALL sales nationwide at 9% (way higher than the national average), all businesses 9% and all incomes 9%, which would basically raise taxes for the poor and lower them for the rich.

Cain isn’t the only candidate in favor of a flat tax. Texas Governor and Republican presidential candidate Rick Perry also believes that a flat tax should be established.

Honestly, I believe in tax equality and I love a simple, easy-to-calculate flat tax. The druggy at Subway who makes $8/hour should not get taxed less than me just because I furthered my education and make $30/hour (I don’t). But there is one INCREDIBLY LARGE FLAW in the 9-9-9 plan. The following anecdote illustrates it best …

I sat for 10 hours last week in a car alone with a self-employed accountant, a man that has filed taxes a hundred times every year for the last 30 years or so. We were discussing the ever-boring topic of his work – I brought it up so I can really only blame myself – and it hit me like a ton of bricks:

“If we instituted the 9-9-9 tax plan, would you lose all your clients?”

“Hahaha! Well … actually, I guess I’d lose a lot of them,” he replied.

“How many?”

“More than half, maybe around 63% (remember, he’s an accountant, he thinks like that). I’d lose every client that’s not a large business. They always need someone to do their dirty work. But I’d lose about half my income, which would put my family on the streets.”

“What about the IRS?”

“Oh they’d be gone forever … and my hair would grow back.”

I hate the IRS as much as the next guy. But we’ve already got a major unemployment problem. By installing the 9-9-9 plan, or any simple flat tax plan, we would put most of the IRS out of jobs. No need for “equationists” when the only equation is x9%.

And most of America’s CPAs and Tax Preparation Specialists would hit the streets. Every company has a Chief Financial Officer and I’m sure he can figure out how to multiply his company’s annual profit by .09 and write it in the space provided.

If we throw 20 million (guesstimate) accountants out on the street, people whose main skill set is tax preparation for a tax system that no longer exists, our unemployment rate could easily reach 15-20%. And there would be no end in sight.

Imagine the unemployment lines …

“Hi, I need unemployment benefits until I find another job.”

“What do you do?”

“Prepare and file taxes.”

“What do you WANT to do?”

“Well, anything that I’m good at. What else is there for a CPA with, a Bachelor’s in Accounting and a calculator for a brain?”

“Well, let’s see, the IRS is gone …”

“I know, I worked for them. Can I maybe teach accounting?”

“Why would students need to know how America used to file taxes? Journalism students don’t use typewriters. Broadcast students don’t learn VHS editing. So no, there’s no need for teaching tax policies other than x9%.”

“Then what can I do for work?!”

“Well, let’s see here … I will give you $5 to write the answer to 14,502 x 4 on your bare chest.”

(The accountant takes off his shirt and writes 58,008 on his chest, fearing that he’ll never make $5 again.)

“Now, let’s tip you upside down and read what it says …”

“BOO’BS. You made me write boobs on my boobs.”

“Exactly! You’re a human calculator in a world that doesn’t one. Go teach kids dumb calculator jokes.”

My Point: If either Herman Cain or Rick Perry win the Republican primaries, they could win the general election. And if so, they will know that their platform, especially Cain’s insistence on the 9-9-9 Plan, is what America wants. We do not want more unemployment. We do not want to put accountants and Satan’s helpers at the IRS out of jobs. Do not vote for Cain or Perry.