Blog #6: 3 Easy Fixes to the U.S. Economy

Retro to the Rescue

Jobs and economic growth were at their best in the 1950s and 1980s. The following 3 possible laws didn't exist because they were social norms in those decades. Now they're a thing of the past. Retro to the Rescue.

Since the economy struck bottom in November of 2008, you’ve heard some really stupid reasons for why it fell apart and some really stupid ideas to rescue it, none of which have helped.

We can point fingers all we want, but I’m a solutions man. Check out these 3 crazy-enough-that-they-just-might-work ideas to instantly boost the American economy:

1. “Dey Tuck Are Jobs!”

Thirty years ago, illegal immigrants only took the jobs nobody wanted. Now it’s different; WE ALL WANT JOBS! Pick strawberries for a cool untaxed $10/hour? I’d run out there with my Weird Al MP3 player and a smile.

Shoot, illegals aren’t getting paid pennies anymore. They make a good living – untaxed – painting houses, cleaning offices, delivering eggs, scooping up golf balls, and mowing lawns (Those are all on my resume, for those interested in my services). How many American citizens could live off the same untaxed $500/week? I think most.

Solution: Kick illegal immigrants out and put a national hold on granting citizenship. I know this is incredibly insensitive. But we have to rebuild our finances before we can rebuild others’. Also, think of all the added jobs the government would create in order to send the illegals home and keep them out.

Why it wouldn’t work: Even if, by some miracle, such legislation were passed, American workers would be taxed for those same jobs by businesses that didn’t previously tax their illegal workers. The legal American would walk away with $8/hour for the same job that the illegal immigrant did for $12/hour.

Solution? Maybe a major tax cut is in order for those jobs or those businesses?

2. Long Hours = Less Workers

I just heard a German lady on the radio say that the typical work week in Germany is only 32-35 hours. It gave me an idea …

Solution: Maximum 70 hours per pay period per employee (35 hours per week) for all positions wherein there are at least 4 employees.

For example, a product marketing corporation has 4 Brand Managers working 40 hours per week. If, by law, those 4 employees could only work a maximum 35 hours per week, the company would have to hire a 5th Brand Manager for a part-time, 20-hour/week gig. Bam! One more college grad off the street.

Why it wouldn’t work: Those 4 employees whose hours just got cut would be PISSED! Maybe there’s an incentive for them? Maybe they just keep working hard and make some cuts in their personal lives? If 5 hours of pay every week would kill your checkbook, then you’ve got some spending issues to solve.

Whatever the case, this plan gets somebody a small job and some work experience. Plus it keeps the HR department busy.

3. Motherhood is a Job!

Take it or leave it: if you’re not spending at least 20-30 hours every week actively parenting your children, you’re not a very good parent. Here’s a jaw-dropper …

Solution: All married mothers with children under the age of 12 must stay home.

That’s right, this law makes every wife/mother a housekeeper. Think I’m a sexist pig? Fine. But if you’re the woman going to work and making $50,000/year on top of your husband’s $60,000/year while your kid gets reared by a stranger, consider this: you are directly taking a job from a family. There exist hundreds of fathers and single mothers who are qualified for, and in desperate need of, your job. Their children won’t have Christmas this year. Your child – who, by the way, calls the nanny “mama” while you’re at work – will spend Spring Break throwing away the toys you buy them on Black Friday.

Explain this to me: Why did you have kids if you weren’t planning on raising them yourself? Stay home!

Remember that I am not talking about women in general. Only "mothers" whose household income already falls in the middle-to-upper class without their own income. And by the way, this system will not eliminate any daycare settings. Married mothers are not the only daycare customers on earth. But if it does eliminate daycare jobs, good. I believe our next generation will be better for it.

Why it won’t work: Husbands don’t always make enough to support a family alone. Solution? Amend the law to say “Married mothers whose husbands make at least $50,000/year must stay home.” Add in major tax breaks for all families with children younger than 18. Families are the real spenders anyway. They keep the economy going. Give them their due and tax the peeps that can afford it: single people and empty nesters. Plus, that’ll give those “Failure to Launch” kids more pressure to move out.

Look, these solutions aren’t happy and golden and perfect like we expected Obama’s presidency. But at least they would instantly better the economy at the bottom and middle classes. We’ve tried fixing the upper class and that backfired – they took the money and ran. Let’s try helping the people who actually need it. There's a severe job shortage among the middle class. Maybe we ought to force America back to the 1950s when the job market was at its best. Illegal immigrants don't exist, work hours weren't a minimum 40 hours per week, and mothers stayed home to raise the kids. Maybe these are just temporary solutions. But they're better than handouts!

Don’t like ‘em? Tell me why. Or give me a better idea!

Blog #2: 999 Plan

999 Plan = 666 to the Economy

A flat tax, like the proposed 9-9-9 tax plan by Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain, is the most fair, organized, simple tax plan and I love it. But it will ruin America.

You cannot major in anything more boring than Accounting. I’d spend my tuition adding speed bumps to NASCAR tracks before I’d go to school to be an accountant.

Alas, accountants are necessary. Without them, the economy would fall and we’d all try writing blogs to make some spare change so we can play the McDonald’s Monopoly game – ironically a game about housing economics. Oh wait, that’s how this blog started.

The 9-9-9 Tax Plan is the main platform introduced for Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain. He has based his entire candidacy on this simple 9-9-9 plan, which would tax ALL sales nationwide at 9% (way higher than the national average), all businesses 9% and all incomes 9%, which would basically raise taxes for the poor and lower them for the rich.

Cain isn’t the only candidate in favor of a flat tax. Texas Governor and Republican presidential candidate Rick Perry also believes that a flat tax should be established.

Honestly, I believe in tax equality and I love a simple, easy-to-calculate flat tax. The druggy at Subway who makes $8/hour should not get taxed less than me just because I furthered my education and make $30/hour (I don’t). But there is one INCREDIBLY LARGE FLAW in the 9-9-9 plan. The following anecdote illustrates it best …

I sat for 10 hours last week in a car alone with a self-employed accountant, a man that has filed taxes a hundred times every year for the last 30 years or so. We were discussing the ever-boring topic of his work – I brought it up so I can really only blame myself – and it hit me like a ton of bricks:

“If we instituted the 9-9-9 tax plan, would you lose all your clients?”

“Hahaha! Well … actually, I guess I’d lose a lot of them,” he replied.

“How many?”

“More than half, maybe around 63% (remember, he’s an accountant, he thinks like that). I’d lose every client that’s not a large business. They always need someone to do their dirty work. But I’d lose about half my income, which would put my family on the streets.”

“What about the IRS?”

“Oh they’d be gone forever … and my hair would grow back.”

I hate the IRS as much as the next guy. But we’ve already got a major unemployment problem. By installing the 9-9-9 plan, or any simple flat tax plan, we would put most of the IRS out of jobs. No need for “equationists” when the only equation is x9%.

And most of America’s CPAs and Tax Preparation Specialists would hit the streets. Every company has a Chief Financial Officer and I’m sure he can figure out how to multiply his company’s annual profit by .09 and write it in the space provided.

If we throw 20 million (guesstimate) accountants out on the street, people whose main skill set is tax preparation for a tax system that no longer exists, our unemployment rate could easily reach 15-20%. And there would be no end in sight.

Imagine the unemployment lines …

“Hi, I need unemployment benefits until I find another job.”

“What do you do?”

“Prepare and file taxes.”

“What do you WANT to do?”

“Well, anything that I’m good at. What else is there for a CPA with, a Bachelor’s in Accounting and a calculator for a brain?”

“Well, let’s see, the IRS is gone …”

“I know, I worked for them. Can I maybe teach accounting?”

“Why would students need to know how America used to file taxes? Journalism students don’t use typewriters. Broadcast students don’t learn VHS editing. So no, there’s no need for teaching tax policies other than x9%.”

“Then what can I do for work?!”

“Well, let’s see here … I will give you $5 to write the answer to 14,502 x 4 on your bare chest.”

(The accountant takes off his shirt and writes 58,008 on his chest, fearing that he’ll never make $5 again.)

“Now, let’s tip you upside down and read what it says …”

“BOO’BS. You made me write boobs on my boobs.”

“Exactly! You’re a human calculator in a world that doesn’t one. Go teach kids dumb calculator jokes.”

My Point: If either Herman Cain or Rick Perry win the Republican primaries, they could win the general election. And if so, they will know that their platform, especially Cain’s insistence on the 9-9-9 Plan, is what America wants. We do not want more unemployment. We do not want to put accountants and Satan’s helpers at the IRS out of jobs. Do not vote for Cain or Perry.